I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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