i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
