Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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