Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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