peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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