Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
