You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
