I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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