I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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