remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
