"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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