Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
