I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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