Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
