Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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