If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I checked into jail on foursquare
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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