I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
