Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
