The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish I could teleport
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Randomize
