she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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