Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
