Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
