I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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