I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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