i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
