weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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