Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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