Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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