I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
