I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
