found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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