If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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