i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
