the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
