If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
