i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
