Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
