We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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