My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
