I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
