No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
