I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
