just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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