there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
