Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
