My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
