i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
