Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
