Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
