by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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