i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
